I’m all about being transparent and real about my walk with God. I have to share a testimony that could be life changing for someone.
A year ago today, I received a call from a friend who was considering suicide. I had a moment that was both humbling and sobering. This would be the third time in the last several years that God connected me to someone who was suicidal. I said, “Lord, why does this keep happening??” It took me a few moments, and He showed me. I can identify with what they are dealing with. Between the ages of 13-15, I attempted suicide 4 times. Three of the four times, I swallowed an entire bottle of aspirin. The fourth time, I tried to slit my wrists. When I think back on that time of my life, I felt like I was a nobody. I felt like no one cared for me, even the people who took care of me. At the time, I was under the custody of my biological grandfather and his wife. From the outside, I appeared to be well taken care of. We lived in a beautiful home, took family vacations and were involved in church. It appeared to be a perfect picture from the outside. But on the inside, I felt so empty and unloved. My mother had abandoned my brothers and I and I barely saw my father. Someone else was always taking care of me, and I never seemed to have any stability in my life. I would go in and out of moments of being “happy”, but my low moments were incredibly low. I would play this song called “Outside” by Mariah Carey, and it just spoke everything I was feeling. I would marinate on words of the song, these in particular:
“And God knows
That you’re standing on your own
Blind and unguided
Into a world divided
You’re thrown where you’re never quite the same
Although you try, try and try
To tell yourself you really are
But in your heart, uncertainty forever lies
You’ll always be somewhere on the outside.
You’ll always be somewhere on the outside.”
That uncertainty would follow me into my adulthood, and I made many decisions based on it. In the fall of 2005, the Lord really started to deal with me about my faith, and I had a choice to make. I could continue to trying to live doing it on my own, or I could lean on him for everything. I chose the latter. The point of this testimony is that the void, the uncertainty, and the darkness that I dealt with could not be handled like I handled everything in my day to day life. I had to truly receive Christ in my heart. I had to come to know Him. It wasn’t about going to church. It was about having a RELATIONSHIP with God. One where He would start to reveal to me who He created me to be, how He wanted me to operate, and why I went through many of the things I went through.
Understand that you don’t go through your trials for YOU. You go through some of them because one day, you will encounter someone that you will have to pray for, and pull up and out of that same type of situation. It’s not easy, and it’s not for the faint of heart. But God did not allow me to live through that, for someone to be connected to me and I not take action.
If you are having suicidal thoughts, it is imperative that you seek professional help. That’s just a part of the healing process. However, no amount of professional help puts breath in your body, knows the number of hairs on your head, or had a plan for your life before the foundation of the earth. God knew you before you were even formed in your mother’s womb. God is your help and your healer. Seek Him. Someone else’s deliverance is attached to your testimony.